a brain on fire

i am reading like my time on earth is limited, which, of course, it is. i just stole time from my gig to walk to the library. celine and henry miller are in each hand. today, my bag will be heavy with words, and i am free from school. no one tells me what to read anymore. no one grades me. no one calls me to answer questions in classes that call for large cups of coffee. now, i choose what i read. i used to think i wanted to be something. but then it hit me that i already am something...me. no career can alter an essence. fortunately, it hit me that it's all bullshit, and while knowing the deal doesn't pay the bills, it has its own reward.
at one point, i was going to be a teacher. let me tell you, you can not find a more mediocre collection of people. our educators are in need of knowledge. the last thing they should have are students. in fact, there is nothing to teach. it is up to the individual to find his own path and pursue it. school clutters the path, creates academic niches which divert from fundamental understandings. as far as i know, you can not major in american genocide.
yes, you can become a craftsman. you can learn skills, memorize facts. but the real thing must come from you. you must be pulled by passion, managed by your own, unique mania. no one can teach you who you are, and who you are will determine what you want to learn. in order to follow your own path, you must be independent. you must be in a position to call the shots, to stop reading if you want, to switch albums in mid song, to walk down the street reading as the cars side step your distracted gate. sitting in a class as a passive participant, being fed finals as you pay the price, is not the way. it has its merits, and beats working. you can learn things that way, but the real thing comes from the search made from deep within your personal solitude.

start with a walk on a nice day to your local library, and a list of things that interest you. there will be no interest rates, you won't go bankrupt, and there will be no one grading you.

best of all, you will be in charge.

imagine that.