evaluating

i get into it, way more than i should. the joke is that "i am getting a package together." lp's and cd's, one after the other, buying, selling, trading, and buying again, often the same record, sometimes even in the same week. sitting close to the stereo, trying to figure out if it's too good to trade, or if it's worth burning. usually, it comes down to the mood i am in at that moment. there are times when you can trade a lot, other times when each record sounds great, and you laugh at yourself for even considering trading it. the whole thing is silly, but since i don't have the courage to try to overthrow the government, it seems one of the only things i can do. i have heard a ton of jazz, probably thousands of albums at this point. when you are comparing john jenkins and hal stein, you know you have problems, and yet, i feel closer to these obscure masters than most people i have met in the flesh. when i broke up with my girlfriend, when pinko returned to his laid back homeland, when some team i was rooting for lost a tough one, (hey, give me a break...the real tragedies will come later) the music was there. gene's tone, henderson's imagination, trane's fire, grant green's sound, ike's relaxation, zoot's swing, mingus's humor, dolphy's genius. they were, and are, always there.

the music itself isn't silly. it's me, pacing back and forth, asking others what they think of a particular album that i am on the fence about. the listening over and over again, looking for a cop out, a reason to keep or trade. this guy's tone bothers me or nat adderly's on it or freddie this or kenny that or that album is overrated or if i want to listen to him that's not the album i would choose.

great things drive me mad.

better to be driven mad by something great i suppose.

but still, you should see my when i get like this. a real life woody, nervous, contemplative, occasionally laughing at my own mania.

as a tenor blows in the background on an album i am evaluating yet again.